Suicide

I'm thinking the title of this blog will get most people attention. It’s a subject that most people don’t like talking about but sadly also a topic that 99% of people don’t actually understand.

Suicide is not simply just taking your own life, so much more happens before that actually takes place that either doesn’t get noticed by those close to the person or they shrug it off and say ''she'll/he'll be fine, it’s just a phase''. This in most cases is not just a phase it’s very serious if anyone you know shows signs of constant sadness, being despondent or has missed out on a suspicious amount of group gatherings.

What’s even worse is when this happens to a child and honestly either the parents weren’t paying enough attention to the child or the child didn’t feel safe with anyone to express their pain out of fear of being ridiculed for their feelings.

Honestly people, when was the last time you actually tried to make a person smile just because you saw they were down or sad, even someone you don’t know. These days there are so many different ways you can use technology so if you're one of those people that don’t like talking to people face to face but you noticed that something seems off about them. Send a Hi. That Hi message might just be the difference between finding a body, stopping excessive painful crying or even just making someone contemplating suicide smile and forget for that moment that they're spiraling out of control.

Suicide as I said is not just done in a physical form, though that seems to be the only one people ever see or something physical they can take photos of and share. These days’ people will share anything on social media forgetting how much pain it might be causing the family of this person.

So for all those that THINK they know what suicide is. You don’t!

Suicide is something that takes years, months or even weeks to get to the point of no return.

There are so many different versions of suicide that most people are oblivious to because unless you've experienced it or you're going through it right now. You have no clue what it feels like.

It’s that day.

Perhaps long ago or recently. The day you know what it feels like to feel all your emotions weigh down on you like a ton of bricks and this is not just a metaphor. It’s an actual feeling. In your mind you're willing your limps to just move a little because well you can do this. But you just can’t so you stand/sit/lay there struggling to breath as the weight becomes heavier and heavier. The tears begin to well up in your eyes as much as you try to hold it back and fight the feeling, your chest feels like a numb yet empty but constant dull pain that’s about to explode. In your mind you keep telling yourself you'll be okay, you'll be okay, you'll be okay. Just get up. But you can’t.

And for a while this is the only struggle you have and just when you think you've found the perfect mask to hide this feeling from those around from you. There it is. Another trigger being pulled and this is usually from the person you least expect it to be from and you feel the comforting arms of darkness and sadness reach its arms around you. Making you disappear into the darkness. And now you need to find a new mask to hide this too.

Then there's the day, when you're just too tired to wear that heavy mask of smiles and you start saying you're sick or have other plans to those closest to you because it’s so much easier to just be alone and cry yourself to sleep, than to burden others with your pain that they won’t understand and you'll have to try and explain to which their response will be something that undermines your feelings, making you feel worse than you already do.

After all that you still find some days when you feel hopeful and like today might be the day when you don’t need the mask. Walking bravely without it for a while; until you realize that the mask isn’t your prison. Your mind is. So the internal war of emotions begins. You’re at war with your own mind. You no longer need other people to insult your self worth or treat you like you're nothing or patronize yourself. You're already destroying yourself from the inside out. Emotionally…

Once you can no longer fight and you're just too tired to continue the process of suicide starts and once you've reached this point and have no-one in your life that has noticed you're in pain. There's no stopping this process in most cases unless you're one of the lucky ones, its basically over. Swiftly and numbingly so these are the different versions of suicide.

Friendship Suicide

This person starts seeing certain friends less and less until all they do is answer with OK, no thanks, I'm fine.

Technology Suicide

They abruptly stop posting on social media, don’t like or share anything. Most of the time people don’t even notice this especially if they're too self-involved.

Visual suicide

This person starts dressing differently, long sleeves or sudden difference in behavior that seems odd. It either means they're trying hard to mask the sadness with bright, super happy behavior or they're just not interested in anyone. So sitting alone having lunch is what they do and they don’t go to gatherings anymore.

Emotional Suicide

When the person reaches this stage then the next one is 99.9% inevitable. This is when the person no longer responds at all, cuts themselves off from the world completely. It’s like they become so numb inside that darkness consumes all the happiness they had.

And finally to ease the pain...We lose them forever.