Beautifully Broken

Ever felt like broken was your only response when people asked, “How are you?”

Like you just can’t remember the last time, it honestly felt that everything in your life was on point and there was order.

But, instead feels like there’s constantly no relief in a day and your world fills with hopelessness. Your judgement clouded by the darkness that kills your mood and devours your joy.

An eclipse of emptiness that absolutely consumes everything that you are.

A glimpse into the utter bottomless pit of where all your lost hopes and dreams are kept prisoner by your own mind.

Your ability to breathe becomes so suffocated, it feels like drowning.

When being lonely is not defined by being alone, but by feeling alone in a crowd, in a group or even with friends.

Your everything consumed but this nothingness that you just can’t seem to get rid of. And even though you are fighting, it never seems to be good enough, your own standards prohibiting you from realizing that you can get through this.

Second-guessing your abilities, your faith, your goals. Losing all that you are because your strength becomes diminished by this blinding feeling of inadequacy.

You try everything and anything to fill the void, to smile, to breathe, to laugh or even to cry. Yet your mind still feels trapped deep inside this ocean of despair.

Your reflection, that saboteur! Makes you feel unworthy, disgusted, and despondent. You become withdrawn and take the blame for every bad thing that happens. Assuming that everything is your fault, because you feel you deserve this pain and anguish.

That nagging voice of self-sabotage breaking your spirit from the moment you open your eyes in the morning.

Feeling down, tired or like you’ve just lost so much that just cannot be replaced.

Walking around imprisoned.

Resigning yourself from people that care about you, out of fear that they just won’t understand.

Feeling the numbness of an ache deep inside your heart, that brings you to the brink of tears every-time you allow yourself to feel for a while. Then suppressing your brokenness to seem normal to the world you are afraid of facing.

Wanting to scream from the depth of your pain but not knowing how to release the emotion or where to find a safe place to be free.

Putting on that heavy mask you portray to the world every day, just wanting someone to see past it, to see you and help you smile.

Losing all that you’ve become, all that you want to be, in a never-ending dark oozing pool of self-hatred. Not wanting to look in the mirror because the saboteur staring back at you fills you with pity and self-loafing that makes you cringe and sick to your stomach.

Clutching at your chest when the pain becomes so sharp and intense, it feels like a knife of rejection, sorrow and desolation.

Feeling every fibre of your being not wanting to move, talk or fumble a gesture of humanity.

That feeling when you’re at the edge of your mental cliff and all you need or want at that moment is for someone/something to nudge you over, painfully hoping the fall to the bottom will somehow free you; before the waves wash away any evidence of this wretchedness you feel.

Thinking that no-one will even notice that you’re no longer around and that you’re invisible to the world.

We all have these moments and someone might be going through one of these moments as they read this. And you, yes YOU reading these words should know that YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

The person who you think doesn’t care might be the one person who cares the most, and they’re just not sure how to help.

You are more than what you think you are, and even if there is a small sliver of hope in the distant future, however minuscule it may be. Hold on to it with all that you have and all that you want to be.

Allow yourself to feel your pain and find the lesson from it. Learn all you can from your darkness so that you know how to conquer the war in your mind the next time you go to battle.

Allow yourself to process what you feel by talking about it to someone that’s willing to listen and only listen.

I’m here if you feel like no-one else is.

Take that breath that you know you need and let it fill your lungs with the scream you’re holding back and feel the relief overwhelm you.

In all that you do, every day of every hour you are not alone. You don’t have to be alone.

You are strong and you can fight through this and find your silver lining.

You can manage this demon even if you have to tame this demon one baby step at a time.

You’ll reach your goals and find the hope that you deserve.

You’re not invisible. I see you.

You’re beautifully broken.